Like many men and women who reach the dreaded four-oh, I'm reflecting on the past and curious about the future ahead of me.
I have the good fortune of reasonable health, a roof over my head, a decent job, and friends and allies, and overall I'm doing well. I'm not "living in a van, down by the river." But that doesn't mean I'm satisfied with my gains so far. In fact, far from it.
WHAT WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
I think a lot of people at this age looks back and mourn the loss of their youthful selves, and think about the "paths not taken."
It has not been an easy path to where I am; and I'm not satisfied with stopping my progress here.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MADE CHRIS A DULL BOY
In business school I ended up with a mental health disability. I got my MBA through strong guidance and a helping hand from my fantastic clinicians.
But my transition to the working world resulted in a bad stumble that put me in disability for a number of years. I suffered mentally and I suffered financially, socially, emotionally, and professionally.
Added to that I didn't have joyful teenage years or twenties. Honestly, I felt ostracized for a long time.
There were no indiscretions of youth, no great stories to tell, no rights of passage to revel on. No wild Spring Breaks, no dances, no parties.
Not even a girlfriend until age 28.
MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME
So from here out, I feel like I'm making up for lost time to a much greater degree than my peers.
I don't want to look on things like Mitch, from the film City Slickers...
And though I work for the government, I'm not yet ready to turn into Cliff Clavin or start singing Billy Joel's Piano Man just yet.
EXISTENTIAL CRISIS SIMMERING ON THE BACK BURNER
I'm in a tough position, because at this difficult time I'm without the supports of religious faith. Not saying that I'm over the fence on that...I'm very much on it.
But there's a great bit to reconcile on how a "soul" can exist, when we are our memories and our feelings, and if current theories are right, that emotions are combinations of chemical brain states associated with sets of activated networks of brain cells.
With the unified view that the body includes the mind, there just doesn't seem to be room for a soul to exist. We're just biological learning computers responding to the stimuli of our worlds.
DREAMS DEFERRED
But I'm trying not to let that quandary overtake my productivity. And I haven't let go of my larger dreams and goals, as many who hit my age do.
I'm unencumbered by academic debt now (though I would much rather have it, than go through the process I went through to get rid of it, and the illness of mind for what was an uncertain duration). I have no mortgage, no kids, I have a reliable car (though it took a bit of work to get it there) that I own outright, and I'm reducing costs by living with the parents.
So while I'm not keeping up with the Joneses, I have the ability to learn and earn a ton. To invest in myself, to build up allies, and to make gains.
I've jokingly called my path in life, the "express bus to big impact," one that avoids the scenic route and the token pleasures of the regular American Dream journey, for something more substantial, entailing a greater level of responsibility, and dutiful citizenship.
My fields of specialty are business administration, marketing and product management, software development and data science, project management, as well as creative writing.
There are a lot of permutations of how to combine those things and generate wide-spread impact in this world...well, at least until ChatGPT becomes self-aware and starts doing these things better than us humans.
A TRUE NORTH
Without a system of religion to follow, I've fallen back on a frame work of my own making that I call my "Standards and Practices".
It's made up of a set of scribblings over a few years on yellow legal pads and delineates how I'm to live my life, what to prioritize, and my definition of success.
THE YEAR AHEAD
This is going to be a year of learning and earning for me, as well as time to build up resources and capabilities.
It's also going to be time for me to enjoy the little things through a mindful approach, where I appreciate the properties of the good things in this world in all their granularity.
My mission in life is to have substantial impact on the world while making a positive difference in the lives of those close to me and building and strengthening connections. Secondly, I intend to multiply my talents, and use my gifts to their fullest.